6 Steps to Resolve Sexual Desire Differences

6 Steps to Resolve Sexual Desire Differences

What to do when your partner wants more or less sex?

New loves, regardless of age, are unable to separate from one another. However, after a year or two, the “hot and heavy” phase ends, and sexual desire starts to decrease. There is no issue if the rates at which both libidos cool are equal. However, a long-term relationship may be jeopardized by a spouse’s desire difference, as one person usually desires sex more frequently than the other:

“You’re insatiable!”

“And you never want to!”

Who desires more frequent sex? For the most part, you would be correct if you assumed it was the man: Sex therapists say that in two thirds of cases, the guy has a higher libido. There is conflict when it occurs, but since “everyone knows” that men are horny goats, people have come to terms with it. “Culturally normative,” as the Ph.D.s describe it. However, what about the remaining 33% of cases? It’s culturally surprising when a woman wants more sex, which can cause tension in the relationship and can lead to teasing:


These disparities in desire have the unintended consequence of suppressing nonsexual affection. Greater desire prompts people to embrace, cuddle, and kiss with tremendous fervor, partly as a means of fostering emotional nourishment and partly as a gamble on good fortune. Less interested parties avoid these kinds of close encounters for fear that they would be misconstrued as a sexual green light.

These days, one of the main reasons couples see sex therapists is because they have different desires. “Who controls the sex in your relationship?” is typically the question posed by a therapist. Then, one pair gesture toward the other, and to their surprise, they discover that while they both feel helpless, the other person believes they are in charge. Every harsh “no,” to the more libido-possessed person, feels like a blow to their soul.

1.      What are your true desires? Is it sexual?

Are you in need of additional tenderness, non-sexual affection, or evidence of your partner’s love? Despite having different desires, couples that spend more time cuddling, go to social gatherings together, and show sympathy for one another tend to feel closer.

2.      Agree on a halfway frequency.

Their average would be four or five times a month if one spouse desires sex twice a week while the other is happy to just have it once a month. Yet averages are meaningless. Finding a frequency that works for both of you is the difficult part.

3.      Plan your dates for sexual activity.

This is very important. Set up dates for sexual activity reassure the higher-desire partner that romance will indeed happen, and they reassure the lower-desire partner that it will only happen on the designated occasions. Tensions in a relationship usually disappear the moment a pair plans a sexual date.

4.      “What if we have a date, and I’m not in the mood?”

This is a question that lower-desire partners always pose, but in most cases, the problem is not as bad as they think. The relationship gets better as scheduling eases the anxiety surrounding sex. As a result, the lower-desire partner’s excitement for sex seems more natural.

Of course, one cannot etch a sexual timetable in stone. Sex therapists suggest that you try setting up dates for around six months. Renegotiate if it isn’t working out.

5.      Hug each other.

Couples see a resurgence of nonsexual attachment when they become used to planned trysts. Furthermore, neither party has to worry about being misinterpreted when embracing, kissing, or cuddling someone because they are both aware of the calendar of impending events. When a couple works over their differences in desire, they often realize how much they have missed nonsexual affection and realize again how important it is to their relationship as well as to their own health.

6.      Think about discussing it with an expert.

See a sex therapist if you need assistance working out a timetable or if a persistent difference in desire has damaged your relationship to the point that you are unable to communicate about it. Visit the Society for Sex Therapy or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists to locate one in your area. or the American Board of Sexology. Figure four to six months of weekly hour-long sessions.

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