4 Proven Steps to Fix a Dead Bedroom & Get Your Sex Life Back

4 Proven Steps to Fix a Dead Bedroom & Get Your Sex Life Back

After barely 18 months of dating, we discovered we were in a Dead Bedroom.

To say this shocked me would be an understatement. How did this happen?

Our relationship was far too new…

We had too much love for one other.

Nevertheless, the evidence was undeniable. All the obvious evidence that our once intense sex life had shrivelled and died:

Reece attempted to start, only to be refused and shut down. Jodie feels pushed and guilty about never being in the mood. And, for the first time in our relationship, we had endless blaming and bitter disputes regarding sex.

Like most sexless couples, we questioned whether there was something wrong with us or our relationship:

  • We felt we weren’t meant to be together (but we were).
  • Jodie questioned if she had an underlying hormone issue (she did not).
  • Reece felt Jodie was no longer attracted to him (she was).

We went around in circles for months, repeatedly having ‘the discussion’. However, nothing changed.

We didn’t realize this:

Something was getting in the way of Jodie’s libido, but it wasn’t what we expected. There were things Reece was doing to ‘turn her off’, but they weren’t what we were expecting.

However, after numerous hours of research and a quest of discovery that took us literally all across the world, we are pleased to inform that we have successfully repaired our lifeless bedroom.

Furthermore, the approach we devised has helped preserve hundreds of couples’ lifeless bedrooms.

Let’s be clear: this is not the typical’spice things up’ or ‘try this libido booster’ disposable advice that litters the internet.

This is a whole new technique to reviving a dead bedroom after nothing else has succeeded.

Before we begin, let’s clarify a few points:

What is a “dead bedroom”?

A “dead bedroom” refers to a relationship with little to no sexual intimacy. There is frequently one partner who has a stronger urge for sex than the other, which causes stress and disagreements. Over time, it results in feelings of irritation, loneliness, and unhappiness with the partnership.

And why is this such an issue?

To state the obvious: sex is vital in relationships. It makes us feel loved, connected, and valued by our spouse. The science backs this up, with research* continually demonstrating that couples who have a fulfilling sex life are happier in their relationship overall.

What about the real sex part?    

It feels good, it’s enjoyable, and it has a lot of benefits emotional, physical, and emotional benefits.

Yep, sex is great.

However, when it’s not occurring as frequently as one or both partners would want, the absence of sex may be quite damaging to our sense of self as individuals as well as the relationship.

Nowadays, once a week* sex seems to be the sweet spot in most long-term relationships.

However, that is typically a lot less sex than there is for couples in a dead bedroom.

Thus…

What Does a Dead Bedroom Mean?

Although the term “dead bedroom” lacks a formal definition, it typically denotes a relationship in which sexual activity takes place fewer than ten times annually or once a month. Actually, what constitutes a dead bedroom varies based on your personal sex preferences and the specific circumstances of your partnership.

Your bedroom might remain unoccupied if:

  • You are having more sex than what is typically considered to be a “sexless marriage,” but all of a sudden, the frequency decreases.
  • You are having semi-regular sex, but there is disagreement or stress over it all the time.
  • When you want to start a sexual relationship, you’re getting a lot of rejection or lack of interest.

Because “life” happens, almost all relationships experience periods of reduced sex. Furthermore, some couples find complete contentment in having fewer sex sessions per month. However, low frequency AND the ensuing tensions that last for extended periods of time are characteristics of a dead bedroom.

How Do You Wake Up a Dead Bedroom?

1.      Accept Your Desire Imbalance

Now, let’s talk about this crucial and urgently required change in perspective:

There is always some degree of desire imbalance in relationships—one partner feels more impulsive sexual desire than the other.

The unfortunate news is that there isn’t anything you can do to reverse this.

Of course, you may attempt to combat it. or attempt to alter one another… or how they feel about their sex urge.

However, as you’ve already noticed, this typically results in a lot less sex and more conflicts and animosity.

The good news is that there is no need for the desire imbalance to cause issues.

It doesn’t have to be the cause of arguments in your relationship all the time. Because variations in your subjective degrees of impulsive desire are, in fact, a typical component of all relationships.

Therefore, learning how to deal with this imbalance rather than trying to correct it is your main objective.

You can go from thinking that your partner’s desire difference is a problem that needs to be fixed to viewing it as something that you BOTH work at together. This allows you to approach your sex life in a much more cooperative manner.

Okay, so what does it mean to have “spontaneous desire” exactly?

2.      Restore Emotional Closeness

In our nearly ten years of working with couples, the following has consistently shown to be true:

In most cases, a lack of sexual intimacy results from a lack of emotional intimacy.

Yes, we understand that there may be one of those frustrating “chicken or egg” scenarios:

Sex closeness gives the higher-desire partner a sense of emotional connectedness.

However, the emotional closeness makes the partner with lesser desire feel more receptive to physical connection. Furthermore, it’s essentially non-negotiable.

This relates to contextual and responsive desire:

Sexual desire requires a very affectionate, low-stress environment to truly flourish. Enhancing your emotional bond is among the most effective methods to do that.

3.      Get Rid of Your Resentments

Over time, unresolved resentments between you are likely to grow up if you’ve been in a sexless relationship. usually on both sides.

You and your partner will need to have frank conversations about sex if you want to revive a dead bedroom.

You will now need to truly listen to each other and address the underlying wounds in order to steer the conversation in a more constructive way rather than the typical harmful and repetitious disputes.

This might be another one of those intricate relational processes, as you can surely anticipate. That’s the reason we developed a whole communication course to assist you in turning disagreement into connection, as well as other articles on how to resolve anger in marriages.

However, one strategy that we found truly helps to turn things around is this:

Talking about your motivations for finding sex:

  • When you reach out for sex, what is it that you actually want?
  • For you, what does sex mean?
  • What is the benefit of sex?
  • What benefits may sex bring to a relationship?

Your spouse will feel more loved and appreciated if you can show them that sex is more than “just sex” and that understanding this will assist them to grasp your point of view.

This is a crucial and delicate talk that can lead to greater emotional connection and pave the path for

4.      Start Dating the Correct Way

That concludes it.

The most terrifying stage for any partner with higher desire who is still suffering from rejection is learning how to be exposed, take a chance, and start a sexual relationship in a vacant bedroom.

To start, let’s review the things not to do:

  • Never attempt to force your partner to want sex.
  • Avoid attempting to influence someone’s emotions by showing them physical affection.
  • Don’t be the only one to step on the accelerator and turn them on.

Rather, while starting a sexual relationship, concentrate on the following most fruitful areas:

Through your words, ask your spouse to connect with you. Tell them how much you love them and how much you’d like to have a physical connection with them. Tell them you’re not under any obligation to “get” anyplace, and there are no expectations or pressures. Ask them how you can help them release the brakes and how you can help them feel better instead.

Next, arrive together and follow the path that leads you.

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